The anniversary of my dad's death. I still miss him every day!

December 1^st, 2014, is the first anniversary of my father’s death.  That happens to be today.  I feel numb.  I feel sad.  I feel sick.

Yesterday, I wasn’t sure what I would feel today.  Yesterday, the feeling was dread.  But, dreading it did not keep it from happening.  I woke up at 5:00am, and the date hit me like a ton of bricks.

What do you do on the anniversary of someone’s death?  I know what to do when it is someone’s birthday, or marital anniversary.  But, what is the proper thing to do on the anniversary of someone’s passing?  Does Hallmark make a card for this? 

So far, I have cried.  That’s about it.  I have tried to teach class, but I am sure my student’s know I am somewhat distracted.  You see, more than the fact my dad died one year ago today, I live with something that is still hard for me to think about.  I had my father’s body burned. 

I know the proper terminology is "cremated," but that is not what went through my mind at the time.  I was in shock from his death, and I was in shock by what I had to do.  This was his request.  He wanted to be cremated, and asked that this request be fulfilled on several occasions.  I always assured him I would honor this request, but never really gave it too much thought.  However, after he died, this was a harder task than I had imagined.

The day after he passed was the day the funeral home would be taking him to be cremated at another location in a different state.  They assured me they would call me as they were leaving and that someone would be with him at all times.  Then they agreed to call me when they were back with his remains.  They were successful with the last part, but failed to call me when they left with him.

I broke down.  I kept thinking maybe I would change my mind, and that I had until they called as a deadline to back out.  And if I backed out, I would just have him buried.  But, they never called.  I never had the chance to change my mind.

Maybe God intervened to keep my father’s wishes?  But none-the-less, I was at a low point in my life.  Had I done the right thing…even though this was my father’s request? 

I wish I had discussed this much deeper with my dad.  But, I always said, “Dad, we have many years to talk about this…let’s talk about something less depressing.” 

I need to get this out of my head…I cannot go back.  I followed through with what my father wanted, and I need to take solace in that.  And, I am grateful to God every day that my father passed without the need for life-support.  Making a decision to turn off life-support is something I never want to do.  I watched my husband and his sister’s go through this with both parents, and I felt their hearts breaking.

So, I guess the best thing to do today is to remember my father and the love we had for each other.  I am so fortunate to have so many good memories of time with him.  I was truly a daddy’s girl, and I miss him every day…every minute.  

Peace to all,
Kim