Hot Flashes + Snowpocalypse 2015= Happy Menopausal Mom

Snow.  I had never thought about it, but “snow” is a four-letter word.  And, typically I don’t like four-letter words, but I happen to love this one! 

I was so excited to hear Sunday night’s weather forecast for Monday: “10-14 inches of snow predicted for Central, KY.” Yay!!  And to top that, record low temperatures will follow the big snow storm, which was named “Octavia” by the way.  That name actually sounds more like a kind, menopausal woman you would invite to dinner rather than a scary snow storm

But, speaking of menopause, as we so often do in this blog, I was watching the “Today Show” Tuesday morning, and they devoted an entire segment to menopause…it even spanned into Hoda and Kathie Lee’s hour.  They were reporting that menopause could last 14 years or more.  They said many factors played a part, and that “The younger you are when it starts, the longer it may last.”  Really?  Really? I began having hot flashes when I was 45.  This could not possibly go into my 60’s…could it?  Well, my husband said he hoped I stayed hot as I got older.  Be careful what you wish for. 

And, for those of us who suffer with our own personal summers year round, does it get any better than a prediction of a massive snow storm?  It’s a menopausal woman’s dream come true!  When a hot flash happens, you just open the door.  Immediate, refreshing relief!

And, I was elated to wake up Monday to find out the prediction was correct.  By Monday evening, we had over a foot of snow in my little hometown of Winchester, KY.  I was like a little girl wanting to build a snowman, but this type of powdery snow would not support an Olaf.  But, that mattered not to me.  I was just happy that with snow came cold temperatures.  I must have opened the door at least 20 times on Monday. 

 No one else in my household seemed to like the snow one bit. Even my dogs did not want to go out in it.  I would open the door for them to go out and do their business, and they would tuck their tails, look at me with those sad puppy dog eyes, and run back into the living room.  Sometimes, I would open the door and they would look out the door, look up at me, look out the door, look up at me, as if to say, “Really, you haven’t shoveled us a place to poop yet?” They REALLY had to go bad before they would venture out.  And, I have to say, watching them try to find a place to actually do their business was hilarious.  They would push themselves through the snow in a circle until there was a decent path, then they would let er rip!  They didn’t seem to appreciate my laughter, but it was entertainment for mom!

My husband acted much like the dogs.  He didn’t want to go out in the snow either.  But, Tuesday came and the cars and drive-way needed clearing.  So, he opened the door, looked outside, looked at me, looked outside, looked at me, and I said, “What, you expect me to do the shoveling?  Get on out there…the dogs had to figure it out too.” 

Today’s forecast is calling for record low temperatures.  I believe one forecast said -10 degrees, and this is not the wind-chill factor, this will be the actual temperature itself.  That makes me happy.  If I feel a personal summer coming on, I will just open winter’s door.  Life is good.

May your hot flashes be mild and your wrinkles even milder.
Kim York

50 Shades of Grey: "Nay" to the movie and bondage teddy bear

50 Shades of Grey that epic ode to bondage and something called the Red Room is all the rage. It's been dubbed "Mommy Porn" and  although plenty of suburban moms found it a page-turner statistics indicate that a lot of unmarried women in the 20s and 30s are reading it too. 

From the Today Show to the Interwebs it is being pitched as a naughty movie spectacular aimed squarely at Soccer Moms.

It is the only porn-lite creation that I can think of in recent memories that made it OK to talk about erotica at the neighborhood barbecue. (Unless you live in a significantly racier zip codes than I do where discussion of erotica is the norm.)

I just don't get 50 Shades of Grey. To be honest, I had no interest in reading it when it came out but, in the interest of elevating the discourse of Menopausal Moms I just read some excerpts. With language like "My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves” and "He hits me, hard" and perhaps my favorite, this ode to baby oil "from makeup remover to soothing balm for a spanked ass, who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid.”

After reading the bits and pieces, I'm secure in the fact that I made the right choice for me. (For the record, this is Mary, if there is anyone wondering. Kim would not repeat such things.)

I will say this. I don't judge. If bondage porn gets your motor running and a consenting adult wants to get in that leather suit with you, well you guys probably make a lovely pair. If you enjoy it because it is a daring daydream, good on you.

And I suppose if you have to say "I am not a prude" you are pretty close to admitting that you are a prude.  But truth be told, I liked 9 1/2 Weeks and remember fondly Last Tango in Paris although parts of it just confused me.

I am all for a little dirty fun.

It's just I think the dynamics as I understand them between Christian and Anastasia is too skewed for comfort and a little cliche.  Plus, Dakota Johnson speaks like a little girl in interviews which I find off putting. In the trailers show her begging the much older man to love her and he resists. Yet, apparently, the more he hits and tortures her the more he is willing to be her real boyfriend.

Yes, that's a message I can't get behind, to love me is to beat me.

I won't get into why sexual violence in a shouldn't be celebrated.

And, beyond that, I just don't like the author. I suppose I should. A middle aged writer turned international success. But she just rubs me the wrong way. Maybe I am jealous. Maybe I would like to be a middle aged writer with international success.

Here is the final thing. 50 Shades is celebrated for appealing to woman, suburban woman in
particular, slightly older woman at that. But last week the Today show had a special showing of the film for 1,000 mostly middle aged women. There was something about the running joke that --ohhhh, ladies of a certain age like S-E-X.

And, truthfully, isn't one of the only bonus things about menopause is that you can have sex and not worry about an unintended pregnancy. So, if for no other reason than that, shouldn't we all like sex a little more.
Are you Yay or Nay for 50 Shades. Tell me what you think.



Update: This is a for real thing from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. It is 15 inches tall and costs $89.99. I wish I was making this up.


Shout out to our reader in India. Menopause and Moms are universal
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Movie remakes are making me feel old!

I can actually say I watched the original “Star Wars” movie at the Weddington Theater in Pikeville, Kentucky, in late May of 1977.  I am sure my children, who are anxiously awaiting the release of the newest movie in what is now the third trilogy, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” must think I am ancient!

I probably am.

That movie was released at a good time for my family.  In April of that year, our home was swept away in a horrific flood.  We lost all of our family pictures, home movies…and everything else we possessed, and we were living in a mobile home provided to us by HUD.

 

But, for that one night, we were immersed in battle with the Rebel Alliance against the Galactic Empire and their terrifying space station, the “Death Star.”  I so wanted to be like Princess Leia, and of course my brothers wanted to be Luke Skywalker and Han Solo.  And, for a few years following the movie, their bedroom paid homage to the film.  There were Star Wars curtains, blankets, lightsabers,  and toys everywhere!  Some of the items were quite scary to see at night. Can you say “Chewbacca?”

What is making me so nostalgic you ask?  Well, I watched a trailer for a movie remake that will hit theaters this year, “Poltergeist.”  I simply could not believe the movie was old enough to have a remake.  But, I saw this movie when I was dating my first husband, in 1982.  That was almost 33 years ago.  #ThatCannotBeRight

And, I freakin’ LOVED this movie!  But, my experience watching this movie was most likely scarier than most.  Why?  Because we were watching the movie at the Huntington Mall in West Virginia and a tornado came through.  It knocked the power out in the theater, and the theater went black during the “clown under the bed” scene.  I just about peed my pants!  And yes, I screamed like the girl I was!  And, no, there were no cellphones back then to light up the place.  Of course, when you actually need the guy who kept walking through with the flashlight to make sure you weren’t smuggling in food, he was nowhere to be found!

When the movie came back on, my heart was racing out of my chest.  There was no way I could finish the movie at that point, or so I thought.  We started to exit the theater, and I kept watching the Freeling family search for Carol Anne, as I was walking out.  We decided to sit in the back row and watch a few more minutes, just to make sure Carol Anne was ok.  But, she wasn’t, and that was all it took to reel us back in.  I was so glad we stayed.  And, the whole experience gave new meaning to the phrase, “Go into the Light, there is peace and serenity in the light.”  There was almost no light for Carol Anne to walk into.  

I watched the trailer for the new “Poltergeist” movie, and the first thing I noticed was cellphones.  Technology will most likely add a whole new edge.   Just think, with the new 3D TVs out, Carol Anne shouldn’t have an issue with a fuzzy screen.  And, the messages from the dead should come through loud and clear!  Hopefully, this Freeling family will have surround sound!

After watching the “Poltergeist” trailer, I began to think about all of the remakes that have been coming out lately.  And, it made me think about some of the remakes of great movies I watched as a young woman.  They were new to me because I was too young to remember the originals.

 

One such movie is “Cape Fear.”  When I saw “Cape Fear” in 1991, I remember thinking, “It’s hard to believe the original movie was made in 1962…two years before I was even born.  That was a long time ago!”  But, it was actually only 29 years earlier.  That wasn’t even as many years as there is between the “Poltergeist” movies.

 

So, to see all of the movie remakes coming out lately and knowing I watched the originals when I was a young adult, really makes me feel my age.  “Ghostbusters” is even being remade.  Has it been that long since we heard Ray Parker, Jr., sing, “Who ya gonna call?“

And, was it really that long ago that we heard Sissy Spacek ask, “Why didn’t you tell me momma?”

I guess it was.

 

Time goes by so fast anymore.  I fear closing my eyes and hearing the remake of “Fifty Shades of Grey” is coming out.   But, for now, I am not too old to consider watching the original on Valentine’s Day! #UhOh

May your hot flashes be mild and your wrinkles even milder!

Kim York

1020 days and counting....reluctantly feathering my empty nest

I joke that I have less than three years to emotionally cripple my daughter so she can't leave me and go away to college.

Seriously, it's funny when I say it.

That's because my daughter is an exceptionally grounded little human. My friends know it. She is like that, I promise, because of who she organically is and not because of anything I have done. Most likely, it's in spite of me.

But I do mentally count the days until she will leave and I find it terrifying. My world has been centered on her for a very long time.

I got divorced a little past her second birthday. Her dad, who is at his core a good guy, unfortunately bugged out early and often. He skipped  out on picking her up so I often I stopped making plans. I tried and tried and tried to get him to commit to at least one day a week to keep her. He never could. (Until last year. Seriously. And now he wants to keep her several days a week. I guess he is doing some counting himself.)

So I tried to take pottery classes. Go out with friends. Have a life apart from her but it never worked very well. I had a great baby sitter who she and I both love but didn't like leaving her to do anything but work because I felt guilty. I had to work enough at night and on weekends. (Although now I wonder why I ever did that.) I had awesome family and friends, like my friend and fellow Menopausal Mom, who would keep her. But most of the time it was the two of us.

And, to be perfectly honest, at some point it just got too hard. I was working full time. I was taking care of her, as easy and awesome as a kid that she was, full time. It was all I could do to do that. And I always felt like I was behind.

And so.......it was the two of us. When I did stuff, we did stuff.
And now....she is going to be leaving.

About a year before I got pregnant I started a baby hope chest. I'd buy stuff for a baby, some of it practical like bibs, some of it not so practical like a stuffed bunny wearing bunny slippers. It was my way of getting use to the idea of having a kid.

Now, I am doing that in reverse. I am starting to do things to get use to life without her.

First there is the letting go.
Yes, you can go to that Slipknot concert but you have to stay in your seat.
Yes, you can drive to the wings place with your friend who has a license
Yes, I will not fuss at you about wearing a coat when it is 30 degrees because you are old enough to figure that one out for yourself.

Then there is the doing things for myself.

I danced in the street like a zombie. (See post "You Rock Zombie Grany") I've joined a club. I'm working out. (See post "An exploding hotel) I'm blogging.
I'm making an extra effort to see friends and do things, sometimes on school nights!
I am making a lot of soup from scratch.
I know there is some place in all of this that I should be excited about the prospect. It will be me time all the time.
I'm not that good at me time.

I guess it's good to remind myself I've done this sort reinvention before. Several times. I was a kid. I went to college. I've moved across country three times. I've been married and divorced. I've freelanced. I've volunteered. I've had many incarnations.

This will just be the next one. I realize that worrying about it doesn't
help. It just takes me out of enjoying the moment that is.

But still.....1020 days and counting.