I’m not ready for Depends…yet.

It seems my cookies have betrayed me. 

No, not Chips Ahoy cookies.  It’s those dang cookies within our computers that make note of everything we search  online. 

They have divulged the fact I, Kim York,  am 50 years old to the entire internet world. 

Now, when I open my email, not only do I have emails from companies who cater to people 50 years and older, but all of the advertisements surrounding my email inbox are also for products for people 50+.  UGH!

It’s as if, you turn 50, and you no longer buy any of the products you purchased when you were 49.  I do not need Depends undergarments, yet!  I can still wear my thongs as long as I choose.  Ok, I may not wear thongs, but I could if I wanted too!

And, reverse mortgages…really?  I am still working hard every day and I will have my mortgage paid off well before I retire.  Oh, and that’s another thing…AARP!  It’s like they stalk you when you turn 50.  AARP has life, auto, home and travel benefits.  I know because I receive mail from them every single day.  I am sure the postal service will never go out of business as long as AARP is mailing out information.

Then there is life insurance…yes, we must not leave our families in a situation where they would have to pay for our burial.  And, it is detrimental that I buy more now because the end is near.  It’s like a preacher staring you right in the eye stressing the possibility of eternal damnation, hell fire and brimstone if you do not have hundreds of thousands of dollars to leave behind.  I just want to be cremated, or possibly have my body donated to science. 

Turning 50 also means we must be in need of hearing devices.  “Hear what you have been missing.”  That is what all of the advertisements say.  Maybe I don’t want to hear what others have to say?  Maybe I would just assume be left alone!  Take for instance listening to the news, it is so depressing!  It’s never good.  Never.  It’s always bad.  Always. 

The most ironic part of the advertisements are the celebrities who advertise them.  Really, Lisa Rinna in her red carpet dress wearing Depends Undergarments??  Really?  Oh my goodness, if Lisa wears them, I have got to have them!  They will look great under my skinny jeans! 

But, I guess the most embarrassing advertisements are those for products like Viagra or Cialis.  They actually use older people for these commercials, but they always make the situations just a little creepy.  How often do you see two people in bathtubs at the ocean?  And really…they are in separate bathtubs? They need a better understanding of how things work before they take any medication, period!  Just creepy!

As much as I love cookies, my internet cookies have got to go! 
Bring on the Chips Ahoy!

May your hot flashes be mild and your wrinkles even milder.
Kim York

A big 'ole Nerd, I applied to college, again. What will you tackle?

I just applied to college. 

Not just regular college.  Nope, I applied to a really fancy college for a chance to be a "fellow" and study stuff not for grades but because I want to. If they pick me, send prayers and vibes my way, they'll pay me to think big thoughts about journalism and maybe learn how to sculpt and eat some really good clam chaw-dah

In my current job in a ever-shrinking newsroom I sometimes don't have time for thoughts at all.

The idea of the fellowship makes me giddy. Because, here it is, I'm a big ole Nerd.

Yep, I get excited at USB drive filled with documents because I figure there is something in there that is exactly what I am looking for. I learned recently of a mythical creature called a data concierge who can help me find specific healthcare statistics and it almost took my breath away.  I found a research paper on wildly varying outcomes among Medicare patient depending on not on the benefit they received but how the state where they lived decided to allot it. It made me audibly go "ohhhhh."

I never particularly thought of myself as nerdy but I never thought it was a bad thing. Honestly, because of particular quirks of my nature, I don't want to seem too invested in anything. Maybe that's why I have a job where I learn a lot about a lot of things. But now at 50 I suddenly want to go deep.

On Thursday I spent eight hours listening to health policy discussion as it relates to the Affordable Care Act. Did you know Wal-Mart is going in to the doctoring business in a big way? Yep, thousands full scale doctor's offices are going into Wal-Mart. Employees can go for $4. You can go for $40. They'll only take cash. If you watch House of Cards you may join me in wondering if Sam Walton is the reason we have the Affordable Care Act at all. (If you don't you should watch House of Cards)

Anyway, I suppose the bigger point is this. I was shaking when I pushed the submit button on my application. Honestly, I had tears in my eyes.

I haven't worked as hard on something for myself if a very long time. It involved all kinds of things I find uncomfortable. Promoting myself. Asking people for help. Asking people to say nice things about me via recommendations.

But it was a really good process for me and whether or not I'll be having "chaw-da" I'm glad I did it. It helped me see I've done some really good work. I've made a difference in some lives.  Over the years I've actually learned a lot.

So here is my challenge to you, my Menopausal Friends, find something to do just for yourself, something that makes you a little bit afraid. Whatever it is. It might be learning how to paint or driving a race care or taking up belly dancing or applying for college. Just do it. And let me know when you do.

Shout Out! Yeah to our one  reader in the Bahamas! A Menopausal Mon?

Merry Mushy Christmas!

Maybe it’s my menopausal emotional mood swings?

Maybe it's because I turned 50!

Maybe it is celebrating Christmas without my children all together this year? 

Maybe it’s the fact my dad has been gone a year this month, and I want to hug him so much?  I would love to hear him say, “Hey Sissy,” just one more time. 

Maybe it is all of the heart-wrenching CHRISTmas videos I am seeing on Facebook?  I don’t know what is doing this to me?  But, I am a mushy mess!  Christmas is such an emotional time. 

Last week, I was taking pictures at our church of Santa reading the story of Christ’s birth to the children.  Santa asked the children if they knew the true meaning of Christmas, and one little boy stood up and yelled, “Jesus!”  Wow!  Out of the mouths of babes!  The church erupted in clapping.  He brought a big smile to my face.

Later in the service, the children went downstairs to celebrate the birthday of Jesus.  They were gathered around a table playing with various toys.  But, while they were doing this, they were singing, “Happy birthday Jesus…I’m so glad it’s Christmas.”  (If you don’t know the song, check the link below.)  I couldn’t help but tear up.  And as a photographer, it is quite difficult to take pictures while boo-hooing like a toddler who just got time-out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B44dPW08TGg

This has been my emotional rollercoaster for the last 7 days…up and down.  One minute I am laughing hysterically, and the next I’m sobbing into what is now the third box of Kleenex I have opened this week.

Tears, however, are not always a bad thing.  The first video I watched on Facebook this morning was of children who were given an early Christmas present.  This present was their father returning home from serving overseas.  I cried like a baby!  But, those tears were happy tears.  Those children were crying too, but everyone involved was happy.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10203039855222069&set=vb.1375884238&type=2&theater

The second video I watched this morning was the story of a young mother who lost her husband in a car wreck, just 14 weeks after the birth of their son.  The baby was also injured in the wreck, but survived.  The video centered on the mother thanking the hospital staff who saved her son ten years later.  And, it had a happy ending.  But, all I could dwell on was the loss of her young husband.  I cried again, but this time, I was so very sad. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/03/kellie-haddock-mom-thank-you-project_n_6262640.html

Life is full of good and bad things, and maybe God does this on purpose.  We cannot truly appreciate the good things unless we have the bad to compare it to.  2014 taught me this lesson very well.  I lost my father (very end of 2013.)  I had difficulties in my marriage.  I had difficulties with work.  I also injured my back and treatment for this caused my hair to fall out.  It just didn’t seem like it could get much worse. 

But, our oldest daughter, Amanda, got married to an amazing man this year, and we now have a bonus granddaughter to boot.  And, our younger daughter, Ashley, had a documentary, “Tig,” she co-produced, chosen for the Sundance Film Festival for 2015.  Our oldest son, Brad, won two KPA awards for his work in journalism, and our youngest son, Jordan, was hired to work for American Airlines.  I am so proud of our children!  Too obvious?

Along with the good things happening for our children, I was offered a position teaching full-time for a technical college.  This has always been a dream of mine.  And, I renewed my wedding vows to my husband…who just also happens to be my best friend.  We also have a roof over our heads and food for our bodies…many people do not. 

It is truly a good life.  God has blessed me so much!  And, to him I give all glory!

MERRY MUSHY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

Kim
May your hot flashes be mild and your wrinkles even milder.

1020 days and counting....reluctantly feathering my empty nest

I joke that I have less than three years to emotionally cripple my daughter so she can't leave me and go away to college.

Seriously, it's funny when I say it.

That's because my daughter is an exceptionally grounded little human. My friends know it. She is like that, I promise, because of who she organically is and not because of anything I have done. Most likely, it's in spite of me.

But I do mentally count the days until she will leave and I find it terrifying. My world has been centered on her for a very long time.

I got divorced a little past her second birthday. Her dad, who is at his core a good guy, unfortunately bugged out early and often. He skipped  out on picking her up so I often I stopped making plans. I tried and tried and tried to get him to commit to at least one day a week to keep her. He never could. (Until last year. Seriously. And now he wants to keep her several days a week. I guess he is doing some counting himself.)

So I tried to take pottery classes. Go out with friends. Have a life apart from her but it never worked very well. I had a great baby sitter who she and I both love but didn't like leaving her to do anything but work because I felt guilty. I had to work enough at night and on weekends. (Although now I wonder why I ever did that.) I had awesome family and friends, like my friend and fellow Menopausal Mom, who would keep her. But most of the time it was the two of us.

And, to be perfectly honest, at some point it just got too hard. I was working full time. I was taking care of her, as easy and awesome as a kid that she was, full time. It was all I could do to do that. And I always felt like I was behind.

And so.......it was the two of us. When I did stuff, we did stuff.
And now....she is going to be leaving.

About a year before I got pregnant I started a baby hope chest. I'd buy stuff for a baby, some of it practical like bibs, some of it not so practical like a stuffed bunny wearing bunny slippers. It was my way of getting use to the idea of having a kid.

Now, I am doing that in reverse. I am starting to do things to get use to life without her.

First there is the letting go.
Yes, you can go to that Slipknot concert but you have to stay in your seat.
Yes, you can drive to the wings place with your friend who has a license
Yes, I will not fuss at you about wearing a coat when it is 30 degrees because you are old enough to figure that one out for yourself.

Then there is the doing things for myself.

I danced in the street like a zombie. (See post "You Rock Zombie Grany") I've joined a club. I'm working out. (See post "An exploding hotel) I'm blogging.
I'm making an extra effort to see friends and do things, sometimes on school nights!
I am making a lot of soup from scratch.
I know there is some place in all of this that I should be excited about the prospect. It will be me time all the time.
I'm not that good at me time.

I guess it's good to remind myself I've done this sort reinvention before. Several times. I was a kid. I went to college. I've moved across country three times. I've been married and divorced. I've freelanced. I've volunteered. I've had many incarnations.

This will just be the next one. I realize that worrying about it doesn't
help. It just takes me out of enjoying the moment that is.

But still.....1020 days and counting.