I got the best Christmas present ever 16 years ago. My daughter

 I was pretty zen considering I hadn't gotten any medicine yet. The hat says "I believe"

To Bailey from her Mom:

I'll start at the beginning. Well not all the way at the beginning because that involves the type of conversation that is inappropriate.
But this is the thing I can tell you. The way I remember it the nightyou first arrived in this time and space there was the most amazing moon. I've never seen one like it before or after. Your Dad and I had been in Sanford, Fla., just outside of Orlando and we were heading home as the moon was coming up. And on the flat landscape somehow the moon looked epic, like it was really rising out of the road ahead of us. It was perfect and orange and red andround and kind of breathtaking.
I had some trouble with keeping you around early on. But that is a story for another day.

I loved growing you even though I threw up at least once a day.

Somebody told me that when a baby has a lot of hair it can mess with your digestion. You had a lot of hair.
A few months in I had a dream about the baby I was going to have. I'm not sure yet even if I knew you were a girl. But I had a dream of a little girl with a bouncy head of hair in a field of flowers. Her
hair was kind of reddish and she had the chubbiest of cheeks and she wasn't smiling but looking at me like she knew me and that she would be heading my way.

When you were about three we were at the kite festival. You were running up and down the hill in your Tweetie buttoveralls with your curls bouncing in the sun and you turned around and looked at me.......and your face was the same as the face I had seenbefore you were born. I struck me then, like it has a hundred times since you've been mine, we were meant to find each other.
So back to the day at hand. It was Dec. 23. I was ready to have a baby. Because, as you know, I am a woman who likes to have deadlines and, baby, we were on a deadline. You were due Dec. 23 and I felt pretty strongly that you should arrive. I was huge and uncomfortable and ready to have you occupy your own space in this world. I had been reading all the things you could do to promote labor. I had actually written a story about the pine nut and gorgonzola salad at a restaurant in Winter Park

that women swore helped get their labor going. (Years later I read something about the chemical properties of pine nuts actually do mimic some labor hormones so, who knew?)
Anyway I had the salad. I took walks. I was shopping at Christmas time
in a crowded chi-chi shopping place and I was enormously pregnant so you can imagine how much I was enoying that. Oh, did I mention I had on a red and white stripped candy-like shirt and a baseball
cap/elf hat that said "I believe".
I ran into an old boss as I was wobbling through one of the stores. His name was Mike Bales. He had laid me off. But had done me a kindness in doing so. I'm not sure I was aware of that at the time. We
had some idle chit-chat in a crowded store. I joked at the time that Mike Bales scared me into labor.
I was prepared. There was a bag packed, movies included: Clueless (because it is my favorite movie ever) and It’s a Wonderful Life (because George, Mary, Bailey).

We had asked our friend Jan to come along to take some pictures and keep us company.

I had on a red and white candy cane stripped shirt and a elf-inspired baseball cap that said I believe.

We had been to the birthing class. To be honest, I had a feeling that your Dad wasn't going to be all that helpful. (Turned out I was right) Jan was a no-nonsense kind of person when the situation called for it so I knew she would be stalwart.
But, here is something that is a little surprising, I was not really well versed on exactly what would happen. I knew I would be giving birth and there would be breathing and epidural but that's kind of
where it ended. I didn't know about drugs or hormones or how many centimeters you needed to be dilated. I guess I figured my body would just make it work. More likely I was afraid I wouldn't do it right so there was no point in studying for this particular test.
I don't remember the contractions being that bad but when they became about five minutes apart we went to the hospital.
They wanted us to walk. So we did.

It was, you know, late Dec. 23 so most of the hospital was empty plus there was renovation going on so there were entire hallways with no one around. We walked and walked and walked. I had my Birkenstocks on and I was, you know, hugely pregnant so I kind of rolled along. It was likely a very slow procession. (Still in candy cane shirt and hat.)
At one point I decided to sing. It seems to me that I sang a lot. One song went something like this, except to the tune of Jingle Bells: "Giving birth, giving birth, it's time to give birth. We’re here now,
I'm big like a cow, It's time to give birth, Yeah!"
When we came close to wings where there were people, I am sure 1) People thought we drunken idiots. 2) They really wished I couldn't sing so loud.
Eventually my water broke or something happened and the nurses were suddenly not so keen on my walking and they made me get in bed and they strapped this belt around my middle that told them exactly what my contractions were doing. I didn't know until maybe 11 years later
when we were talking to Dr. Meinke about your calves, that they were in a rush because they were worried you might swallow meconium and that you were in distress. And that could have been bad.
But, fortunately, I had not done my homework so I just thought ­-- Ok...I'll lay down now.
Contractions were not that bad. They did go on for like, 11 hours. I kind of got use to them. Jan's boyfriend at the time was there and he had an annoying habit of looking at the monitor and announcing with each contraction that this one was going to be an especially bad one.
Thank you Jan's douche bag boyfriend.
But mostly, I said "ouch". Yep, "ouch". No screaming. Surprisingly, no
cussing. Just "ouch."
Just like when I threw up everyday and I said that it was for a good cause, I told myself the same. This was for a really good cause. So, "ouch."
When the doctor showed up, finally, he had on the same hat that I did. Although I had never seen him before and don't recall his name, I believe that was kind of meant to be.
They kept telling me how I needed to stay really still for the epidural. I had been saying ouch for 10 hours and they told me the epidural would make that stop so I was damn skinny going to be still.
No problem.
Then I was a little giddy on medicine, ok, a lot giddy on medicine. I decided I wasn't going to be able to do this thing. Yes, I was going to be the first woman in the history of healthy woman in actual labor with a healthy baby who would somehow mange to not be able to give birth. I somehow decided I was just incapable of it so.....I wanted to go home.

Mr. Tree which I had won by stuffing entries into a give away box at a local store was waiting for me at home. 
I tried my best to go home. I tried to be my most charming. I promised and purred that I lived just so close and that I would come right back. It would be finnneee.....why not just let me go home for, like,
a sec? No worries. I'll come back.
I tried and tried to convince everyone to let me go home and no one would. They wanted me to rest but I kept wanting to talk to your Dad so I could convince him to let me go home. They made him leave the room so I would sleep.
So what happened when you finally decided to come?

I my memory, it was like there was stadium seating in the place. Jan was there. Your dad was there.
Your Nana and Pop were there. My friend Cheri was there. Jan's boyfriend was there. Jan. Your Dad. There were two teams of nurses because they were worried about you although they didn't tell me that.
The only time I lost my cool was when they were telling me to push.
The whole room was kind of yelling at me. It was suppose to be encouraging but I couldn't believe that they didn't understand that I kind of needed to concentrate.

Pushing out a human, here!
I snapped a little: Only one person can tell me what to do.
And there you were. Your Dad swears It’s A Wonderful Life was playing on the television. (That is back in the day of VHS.)

Anyway. You were beautiful.

I felt in an instant that you were mine. I could feel your heart beat in sync with mine and I never knew I could love anything as much as I loved you.
They put you in what looked like a plastic bin away from me and told me to rest. But every time you made a sound I would sit up and look in your direction, even though I was exhausted and still pretty high. I knew I had to help you if you needed me.
When we got to our room it was just us. Everybody left. Now it was Christmas Eve. There wasn't even hardly a staff. The nurses didn't answer the call button. There was a place for your dad to sleep but he went home.
So it was me and you and they told me not to keep you in the bed with me but I did for awhile. When I put you back in your plastic bin I didn't want you to feel lonely so I had a yarn Santa face that had
been on a present and I taped so you could see it and have something interesting to take in.....although looking back, you know, the whole world was new to you so it was probably a little bit of overkill.
Still, my sweet baby girl, it was the most amazing day of my life. My best day ever, easily. And you are truly the best Christmas present I have ever had.

(Although, when you become a successful grown up, I hear diamond
earrings are awfully nice :)

You are welcome! The Hallmark Holiday Movie Drinking Game

You're welcome All Moms but especially Menopausal Moms!

We all share a perverse fascination with the  Hallmark Holiday Movie, which I discovered last year. (See earlier posting I'm Mary.)

If you say you don't like the good Hallmark (of slightly more racy Lifetime version) I know you are lying.

But I've indulged too early in the wonder that is the Hallmark Holiday Movie. I have already had multiple viewings of  Princess for Christmas, Cookie Cutter Christmas, A Boyfriend for Christmas....all blandly charming and still engaging in the way one loves an ugly holiday sweater. But my addictive, wrongly-wired brain being what it is, I crave new stimuli and the movie itself in't working anymore. I need more.

So I have invented the Holiday Movie Movie Drinking Game (patent pending)

The rules are clear and simple. You take the designated number of drinks when the specific event takes place in a Hallmark Holiday Movie. The rules can also be applied to the slightly more PG-13 ABC Family Holiday movies where there is sometimes kissing or Mr. Wrong or Mr. Right shirtless, smooth and ripped. ( I may need to explore more of those titles.)

The rules  can also be applied to any title that comes up when you type the 12 Dates of Christmas into Netflix. (Starring Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Zach from Saved by the Bell! You are welcome, again.)

Now, while I support the use of boxed wine or whatever spirits raise yours. Since we are MMofKY  support the uniquely Kentucky drink, Bourbon. Invented, according to the sign posted near the creek by my house, right here in my hometown.

I do not, however,  support use of any of the Skinny Girl products because I've come to hate Bethenny Frankel. (Another story for another day)

For those of us who prefer a chocolate high to one from chardonny use Kit-Kat minis or "a bite of sugar cookie" whenever the rules call for a shot.

But here you go.......12 rules for the 12 Sips of Christmas.

1. One drink if the main female character, dubbed by me as a "Holly", wears a slouchy knit hat.(Usually white, both Holly and Hat)

2. One drink if the main female character, known broadly under the character "Holly" has the specific  name: Holly, Joy, Joelle, Krystal, Kristine, Kristie, Noel or Melody.

3. Two drinks if the movie writers go all in and whip out Mary, Meri or Eve.

4. One drink if the Mr Right wears a manly scarf.

5. Two drinks if Mr. Right carries a man-purse-like messenger bag.

6. One drink if Mr. Wrong makes his first appearance in a dress shirt and tie.

7. Two drinks if Mr. Wrong makes his first appearance in a full suit and tie.

8. One drink if the movie features people of color in the background of a scene as the Holly goes to the mall or Mr. Wrong's office.

9. Two drinks if a person of color is cast as an authority figure such as doctor, lawyer, police officer or judge. (This is how the above-mentioned writers apparently make up for the fact that Mr. Right and the Holly are very rarely anything but white and white and often on the very palest end of the white scale. )

10. One shot if you detect the "aboot" for "about" accent that comes from what appears to be a cast largely recruited from Canada.

11. One drink if you recognize an actor for somewhere such as, true example, "that's Magda the overcooked neighborhood from Something About Mary  playing the daffy sidekick."

12. Two drinks if you actually can name the actor. Example: That wacky inn keeper is Florence Henderson beloved Mom from the Brady Bunch and, more recently and weirdly, the life coach for the reality show featuring the real grown up Peter Brady and his now-ex wife who won the fist America's Next Top Model. (Apparently Florence is a better actor than life coach.)

13. Bonus shot: Anytime the main Holly or the mother of a Holly, Mr. Wrong or Mr Right  has red hair.


Be safe. Drink (and snack) responsibly.


Disclaimer: Menopausal Moms of Kentucky, heretofore referred to as MMofKY, is not responsible for any bad decisions made after, or during, the playing of 12 Sips of Christmas. Please do not operate heavy machinery after or during the play of  12 Sips of Christmas. This includes not-so-heavy equipment such as  Ipad, Iphones, Kindles, any other tablet product or other cellular devices which might lead to unwanted revleations that could lead to extremely tense Christmas dinners.
MMof KY legally declares that 12 Sips of Christmas should not be played alone, unless you have had a really bad day.  In that case, we won't tell anyone. If you experience a surge of joy lasting longer than 4 hours after playing MMofKys 12 Sips of Christmas, well, roll with it and consider yourself lucky. If you experience viewing a blue-tinged world you have likely taken some Viagra by mistake and that is a problem we can't begin to fix.  We would encourage you to re-examine your life, check how the medicine in your household is stored and contact a physician hotline immediately. We are not responsible for those bad choices, Menopausal Moms.