Merry Mushy Christmas!

Maybe it’s my menopausal emotional mood swings?

Maybe it's because I turned 50!

Maybe it is celebrating Christmas without my children all together this year? 

Maybe it’s the fact my dad has been gone a year this month, and I want to hug him so much?  I would love to hear him say, “Hey Sissy,” just one more time. 

Maybe it is all of the heart-wrenching CHRISTmas videos I am seeing on Facebook?  I don’t know what is doing this to me?  But, I am a mushy mess!  Christmas is such an emotional time. 

Last week, I was taking pictures at our church of Santa reading the story of Christ’s birth to the children.  Santa asked the children if they knew the true meaning of Christmas, and one little boy stood up and yelled, “Jesus!”  Wow!  Out of the mouths of babes!  The church erupted in clapping.  He brought a big smile to my face.

Later in the service, the children went downstairs to celebrate the birthday of Jesus.  They were gathered around a table playing with various toys.  But, while they were doing this, they were singing, “Happy birthday Jesus…I’m so glad it’s Christmas.”  (If you don’t know the song, check the link below.)  I couldn’t help but tear up.  And as a photographer, it is quite difficult to take pictures while boo-hooing like a toddler who just got time-out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B44dPW08TGg

This has been my emotional rollercoaster for the last 7 days…up and down.  One minute I am laughing hysterically, and the next I’m sobbing into what is now the third box of Kleenex I have opened this week.

Tears, however, are not always a bad thing.  The first video I watched on Facebook this morning was of children who were given an early Christmas present.  This present was their father returning home from serving overseas.  I cried like a baby!  But, those tears were happy tears.  Those children were crying too, but everyone involved was happy.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10203039855222069&set=vb.1375884238&type=2&theater

The second video I watched this morning was the story of a young mother who lost her husband in a car wreck, just 14 weeks after the birth of their son.  The baby was also injured in the wreck, but survived.  The video centered on the mother thanking the hospital staff who saved her son ten years later.  And, it had a happy ending.  But, all I could dwell on was the loss of her young husband.  I cried again, but this time, I was so very sad. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/03/kellie-haddock-mom-thank-you-project_n_6262640.html

Life is full of good and bad things, and maybe God does this on purpose.  We cannot truly appreciate the good things unless we have the bad to compare it to.  2014 taught me this lesson very well.  I lost my father (very end of 2013.)  I had difficulties in my marriage.  I had difficulties with work.  I also injured my back and treatment for this caused my hair to fall out.  It just didn’t seem like it could get much worse. 

But, our oldest daughter, Amanda, got married to an amazing man this year, and we now have a bonus granddaughter to boot.  And, our younger daughter, Ashley, had a documentary, “Tig,” she co-produced, chosen for the Sundance Film Festival for 2015.  Our oldest son, Brad, won two KPA awards for his work in journalism, and our youngest son, Jordan, was hired to work for American Airlines.  I am so proud of our children!  Too obvious?

Along with the good things happening for our children, I was offered a position teaching full-time for a technical college.  This has always been a dream of mine.  And, I renewed my wedding vows to my husband…who just also happens to be my best friend.  We also have a roof over our heads and food for our bodies…many people do not. 

It is truly a good life.  God has blessed me so much!  And, to him I give all glory!

MERRY MUSHY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

Kim
May your hot flashes be mild and your wrinkles even milder.

The anniversary of my dad's death. I still miss him every day!

December 1^st, 2014, is the first anniversary of my father’s death.  That happens to be today.  I feel numb.  I feel sad.  I feel sick.

Yesterday, I wasn’t sure what I would feel today.  Yesterday, the feeling was dread.  But, dreading it did not keep it from happening.  I woke up at 5:00am, and the date hit me like a ton of bricks.

What do you do on the anniversary of someone’s death?  I know what to do when it is someone’s birthday, or marital anniversary.  But, what is the proper thing to do on the anniversary of someone’s passing?  Does Hallmark make a card for this? 

So far, I have cried.  That’s about it.  I have tried to teach class, but I am sure my student’s know I am somewhat distracted.  You see, more than the fact my dad died one year ago today, I live with something that is still hard for me to think about.  I had my father’s body burned. 

I know the proper terminology is "cremated," but that is not what went through my mind at the time.  I was in shock from his death, and I was in shock by what I had to do.  This was his request.  He wanted to be cremated, and asked that this request be fulfilled on several occasions.  I always assured him I would honor this request, but never really gave it too much thought.  However, after he died, this was a harder task than I had imagined.

The day after he passed was the day the funeral home would be taking him to be cremated at another location in a different state.  They assured me they would call me as they were leaving and that someone would be with him at all times.  Then they agreed to call me when they were back with his remains.  They were successful with the last part, but failed to call me when they left with him.

I broke down.  I kept thinking maybe I would change my mind, and that I had until they called as a deadline to back out.  And if I backed out, I would just have him buried.  But, they never called.  I never had the chance to change my mind.

Maybe God intervened to keep my father’s wishes?  But none-the-less, I was at a low point in my life.  Had I done the right thing…even though this was my father’s request? 

I wish I had discussed this much deeper with my dad.  But, I always said, “Dad, we have many years to talk about this…let’s talk about something less depressing.” 

I need to get this out of my head…I cannot go back.  I followed through with what my father wanted, and I need to take solace in that.  And, I am grateful to God every day that my father passed without the need for life-support.  Making a decision to turn off life-support is something I never want to do.  I watched my husband and his sister’s go through this with both parents, and I felt their hearts breaking.

So, I guess the best thing to do today is to remember my father and the love we had for each other.  I am so fortunate to have so many good memories of time with him.  I was truly a daddy’s girl, and I miss him every day…every minute.  

Peace to all,
Kim