…til death do us part…hopefully

When we get married, we hope this union is meant to last until one of the two parties die. And, for 50% of the marriages out there (divorcepad.com,) it does.  But, for the other 50%, sadly, it does not.

 I, personally, was married the first time for 10 years.  My first husband was a kind man, but my mother-in-law was…let's just say "difficult."  My husband was an only child, and she was very protective over him, and nothing I ever did was good enough.  She kind of dominated our lives, and I was miserable.  And, my husband would never say anything to her. 

I don't know if you have ever watched, "Everybody Loves Raymond," but I felt much like Debra did about Marie.  Debra loved Marie, but she preferred to love her from afar.  I remember one scene from this show that really hit home:

"Everybody Loves Raymond: Counseling (#7.2)" (2002)

Debra Barone: "Is it such a problem that I want my house to look clean?"
Marie Barone: "That's certainly valid. And Raymond, you of all people should know that if you want your house to look clean, Debra *needs* help."  

My house was never clean enough.  I never fed my children the right foods.  And, if she gave us $5.00 the entire family knew about it.  And, of course, the family would tell me.  After ten years, I couldn't take it anymore. 

Result: Divorce.

Currently, I have been married for 22 years (anniversary is July 18th.)  This marriage has come with many hurdles to cross too.  Communication, in my thought, has been the most challenging part for us.  If a disagreement occurs and the tone of communication gets loud, I prefer to go off by myself and calm down, so I can be rational at a later point.  My husband, on-the-other-hand, prefers to get it out in the moment.  He doesn't understand my need to be alone for a while, and I do not understand his need to get it out in the moment.  But, so far, so good...and the longer we are together, the better we seem to handle such situations.

But, we have also struggled through even more challenging situations; most recently it has involved trust issues.  And, most people would say if their spouse is talking innappropriately to someone of the opposite sex, they are completely at fault and it is grounds for a divorce. 

However, I will say this, marriage is a two-way street.  If this is happening in your relationship, take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself if you had any part in this?  You may not have any blame.  But, I looked in the mirror, and quickly realized I most definitely had blame in my situation.  You see, my husband was talking through Facebook and text messages to a gal he knew in high school.  And yes, this is difficult for me to talk about, but at the same time, it is healing.

At first, I was really angry.  I realized he was chatting with her during family gatherings, Valentine's Day, and texting her just after texting me…or just before texting me.  Trust me, I made copies of every text message and Facebook message I could find.  I was a woman on a mission!  I wanted so much to hurt him the way he had hurt me, but that was not the answer.  Once I did my usual thing of going off to myself, calming down, and becoming more rational, I realized my husband and I had let our marriage go.  We weren't communicating.  We weren't making time for each other.  And, well, intimacy was a distant memory. 

Why was this happening?

When I began to answer this question, there was no way the fault was completely on my husband.  You see, my dad had passed away a few months earlier after a long illness.  I had injured my back and was dealing with pain every day, and I had lost a job.  It was a trying time for me, and instead of clinging tighter to my husband, I was unintentionally ignoring him and becoming absorbed with self-pity. 

But, as I read the messages my husband wrote to his old high school gal friend, I could hear lonliness in the messages.  Most of the time, they were just talking about random things.  Some of the texts were not appropriate, but he also told her he loved me very much.  I heard in these messages that he needed me as much as I needed him, and it took this horrible situation to reveal it.

My husband and I renewed our vows in church…where the words should have been spoken in the first place, and we decided to move forward.  We have forgiven each other…even though he still feels I had no blame in the situation.  I know, in fact, I had blame. 

Getting older creates new challenges in marriages.  You begin dealing with the care of aging parents, or the death of them, while trying to still be good parents to your children/adults living at home.  Your body is also aging and needs more attention, and your sleep patterns change.  The middle-age years can be stressful in so may ways, and this can add stress to your marriage.

Do I trust my husband?  Of course this situation hurt that trust, but I am working on this every day!  Deep in my heart, I believe this will never happen again.  But, I am human…and occasionally my mind wanders back to that dark place.  However, my husband is always willing to talk openly with me.  He doesn't say, "Aren't you ever going to let this die?"  He is always willing to talk with me about how I am feeling. 

That is the key…we talk.  We both make a strong effort to make time for each other; neither of us should ever feel lonely.  And, we decided if we do…we need to communicate that to each other…not keep it inside because it will manifest and rear its ugly head in some fashion. 

Result: 22 years of marriage (this Saturday) and still counting.

Marriage requires work on both parts.  If you are part of a relationship where you feel you must make all of the effort, LET IT GO!  Menopause is difficult enough! 

May your hot flashes be mild and your wrinkles even milder.
Kim York