Grieving over my sister...who is alive and well.

Imagine going through most of your life knowing you had a sister, but you were not allowed to communicate with her, or have any part in her life.  I don’t have to imagine it because I have lived it.  It has been tough.

I have been grieving for over 25 years for someone who is still alive, but dead in any way that matters in my life.

But, I was able to watch her grow up from a distance.  And, for the last 5 years, I have been able to see her life through her Facebook page.  It’s not a lot, but I will take what I can get.

You see, bad decisions to have marital affairs have consequences.  But, it is not always those who make the bad decisions who suffer.  Many others suffer too.

I, personally,  have suffered due to a decision made many years ago.  This decision was that my half-sister would never know that the man who was raising her as his own daughter, who I respect greatly, was not her biological father.  And, that would be that.  Life would go on as if nothing had happened?

I, on the other hand, was not part of this decision.  It’s not fair!

Yes, I am a grown woman screaming, ”IT’S NOT FAIR!”

She doesn’t even know I exist.  

But, this is my sister's life and identity we are talking about, and I do not want to be the one who changes that due to my own selfishness.  I love her...even though I have never met her, and hurting her has never been an option.

But, I do have my moments of weakness.  For instance, I recently opened up a Facebook chat message to write to her.  I told her she was my sister and if she wanted to know more about this, she could call me.  Then, I quickly deleted it.  I just do not know how to move forward, and maybe there is no moving forward?

I simply do not know what the "right thing to do" is in this situation.

I do know that I am about to turn 50 years old, and I am obsessed with knowing my sister.  Maybe it is the slap in the face of my own mortality, that the recent death of my father and my inevitable birthday next month gives me, that makes the situation seem more dire?  I simply want to know my sister and have time to develop a relationship.

But, it just may be that this grief goes with me to the grave.

We all have life situations that can be completely out of our control...acceptance of such situations can be the tough part.   How do you deal with life when it is out of your control?  Do you pray about it?  Do you do what your heart tells you...or what your brain tells you?  It helps me to write about it and at least get my thoughts on paper.  Let's start a discussion about how we handle situations that are out of our control.  I want to hear what our followers have to say.

May your hot flashes be mild and your wrinkles even milder!
Kim