Elf on the Shelf Moms: You Win.

I hate Elf on the Shelf.

I know I am not alone.   

The Elf itself is kind of retro-50s era Connecticut-Christmas cute. I'm not mad about that. I'm not even opposed to hiding the Elf around the house. I do think it's adding a layer of work to a holiday already filled with work. 

But, if it makes a kiddo happy, well OK.

No, I hate it because this new "holiday tradition" has become a a blunt object used in the ongoing Mommy Wars by a certain segment of mothers, some Menopausal some not, who feel compelled to show the rest of us, the majority of us, how fabulous and thoughtful they are because THEY really, really love their children so no extra step is too extreme. 

Their zealous tending and sharing, and sharing and tending, make me feel like I am just not trying hard enough.

 Not trying enough because I have a demanding 40-hour a week plus full time job.

Not trying hard enough because I am trying to do somethings for myself after 16 very kid-focused years. 

Not trying hard enough because I don't create flour "snowball" fights in my kitchen with a doll just so I can clean it up. 

The source of my hatred is two fold. 

One: Elf mission creep.

 There is the Elf ($30)

 An ever-growing assortment of Elf on the Shelf accessories. 

A push to have multiple elves especially if you have multiple children. 

You might need two because your Elf is lonely and needs a companion. 

Elf on the Shelf is now for birthdays.

I'm not sure what that Elf is counting down, or who Elf is reporting back to unless Santa is also engaged in mission creep and is taking over birthdays. 

Reason Two for Hating Elf  On the Shelf:
The elaborate scenarios that people, and by people I mean Moms.
 create for Elf.

Although the real moms I know who have drank the Elf Kool Aid generally seem to remember the need for a new location at 3 a.m. just before packing lunches and have only the engery to throw the Elf in the fridge where he will be found in the later morning clinging to a bottle of orange juice or fling him onto a high shelf in the den.

Other Moms, the Professional Internet Moms, go all out. They make lists and post them. They have a plan. They are having fun, damn it, and seem to say "look at all the thought I put into this lighthearted venture. Read my list! I rock being a mother and you, well, where is your list??"

But even Moms With A Plan don't grate on my nerves as much as Moms Who Make a Mess. I don't understand at all the Moms who throw flour all over their kitchen to show their Elf had a food fight. Or, below, bring in what looks like 10 pounds of sand to their entry way so they can clean it up later. 

I completely don't understand anyone who would shave their husband's head just to inspire a little extra Christmas magic.  And I hope it is someone's husband because if it isn't it is strange that the  Elf is witness to a crime and we all might be complicit in a felony.

To me it all screams of highly educated, highly creative women who got on the Mommy Track and now focus every bit of themselves --- Every Bit Of Themselves --- into making every moment of childhood magical and managed and fulfilling and, maybe there isn't even anything wrong with that, but they must tell EVERYONE that they are doing it. Better, apparently, than anyone else ever.

I come from the school of thought that sometimes, seriously, kids need to wonder about an imaginary friend and dream of Santa all on their own. My daughter's favorite thing when she was little was to make potions in the bathtub. I bought her bottles and bubbles and bath Crayons but I didn't digitize every wondrous thing that she did. (And some things were wondrous.)

It was the only time on most days that she was ever alone with her own thoughts and when she could do whatever she wanted.

So I will say this, Elf on the Shelf Moms, you win.

I don't have the time or inclination or the extra toilet paper to post a picture about how my Elf, who I imagine would be named Marvin Moonpants, wrapped my entire Christmas tree in Charmin.

But, please, this Menopausal Mom asks that the mission creep stops at birthdays. Let's not see the Elf on the Shelf Fourth of July Count Down Calendar.

When did pantyhose go out of style?

I am 10 days away from turning 50, but suddenly I feel much older.  

Yesterday, I wore a dress and tights to the college where I work with really cute shoes I had just bought.  My students were very complimentary.  One student said, “Ms. Kim, you look fly.”  I wasn’t sure what that meant, but the others agreed, and it seemed to be a compliment. So, “Yay!”

Then today I wore another dress, but I wore pantyhose instead of tights.  I could tell by my student’s faces that today, I did not look fly.  One student asked, “Ms. Kim, are you wearing pantyhose?”  Then, all of the sudden, my other students were all staring at my legs.  I felt like a freak in a circus and people were paying to see my mutant calves!  The shocked looks on their faces were saying, “OMG!”

Then I broke from my own shocked state and said, “Yes, is that a good or a bad thing?” 

I already knew what they were going to say by the smirks and giggles.  I was sure this was not a good thing.

Another student quickly spoke up and said, “Nobody wears pantyhose Ms. Kim.  If you don’t have tights, just don’t wear anything at all.  Go bare-legged.”

Huh…Really?  Even in the winter?  It was in that very moment I realized I was becoming the old woman I swore I would never be.  You know, the one who doesn’t care about fashion anymore and just puts on whatever she can pull out of a drawer when she wakes up.  Flowered blouse and hounds tooth skirt…perfect match!

Now, I have nothing against mix-matched clothing.  But, I swore to myself I would always dress with a little bit of flair and buy up-to-date clothing.  I have failed in this self-promise.

My closet is full of clothing, but very few things I have actually purchased in the last decade…or two. 

Yes, my name is Kim, and I wear clothes from the 90’s. 

I am an old clothesaholic!  I even have a sweater I bought at the Smart Shop in downtown Pikeville, KY in 1982!  It’s 32 years old…older than some of my children!  But, it still looks good…does that count for anything? 

And, many clothes do come back in style…right??  Take for instance my Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.  I saw where they are back in style, and I still own 2 original pair! 

I get it…how sad is that?

So, in light of this epiphany, and as a New Year’s resolution I might actually keep, I am getting rid of the old and bringing in the new!  (Hopefully, I can find a 12 step program to assist me with this!)  But, in the meantime….Look out Chico’s, here I come!

NOTE: I was compelled to edit this post when I opened my fortune cookie at lunch today. 

Facebook posts say a lot about the poster

At my age, you will not see me posting pictures of myself all over Facebook, or talking about all of the exercise I am getting.  Nope, what you will see on my page is predominately stories about my dogs, or the happenings of my family…and every now and then, pictures I have taken of other people or places I visit.  I love photography.  Am I boring?  ...Possibly.

To give you an idea of my exciting life, the post I made this year that has earned the most “Likes” would be waking up to a knife sticking out of my kitchen floor.  Not boring, but spooky and bizarre.  That could be a description of me!

But, I have to say I find Facebook entertaining to look at.  I almost always know what I will read based on the person who posts the information.  If I were a psychiatrist, I would have a field-day interpreting the individual posts.

“Words have a magical power. They can bring either the greatest happiness or deepest despair; they can transfer knowledge from teacher to student; words enable the orator to sway his audience and dictate its decisions. Words are capable of arousing the strongest emotions and prompting all men's actions.”

SIGMUND FREUD, The Educator's Book of Quotes

Are our posts a direct reflection of who we are, or what we want others to see?  Hmmm.

When I take a selfie to post, and this is rare, I may take 10 before I get one that seems to mask my imperfections.   You know you are guilty of this too…right? I hate pictures of myself…I have always enjoyed being on the other side of the camera!

However, I have friends who are fascinated with pictures of themselves.  They post new pictures every day in their new outfits or new hair styles.  They seem to love the “You look beautiful” comments they receive.  Is this narcissistic or do they have low self-esteem and need reassurance?  And, in all sincerity, would anyone ever reply to such a posting with “You look hideous!?” 

Then there are those who are always sick and feel the need to tell everyone about their newest ailment.

“Oh Lord, my big toe is inflamed, it could be an ingrown toe-nail.  Here is a picture of it.  Do any of my Facebook friends know what this could be?”

Stock Photo...NOT MY TOE!

 I have looked at some gross pictures! 

Is this the need for sympathy, or are they hypochondriacs? 

 Another thing I have noticed is that age does play a factor in this.

The “youngsters,” as I call them, the 13-24 age group, use Facebook as a tool of battle, especially between girls.  Girls love to call other girls out when they think they have been “disrespected.”  Guys just jump in to the posts to add drama.  These are the posts where you see the words “baby mama” and “baby daddy” as much as you see the Vince Gill and Carrie Underwood’s “How Great Thou Art” video posted.  (And, I do love that video, by the way.)

The 25-39 age group, the “young adults,” love to post about their favorite hobbies and past-times.  You may see posts about sports, or things they have pinned on Pinterest.  You may also see the likes and dislikes of things happening on their favorite TV shows.  #WeMissYouSamiBrady!

The “young adults” also post pictures of their children’s birth, and pictures of their babies doing things like sneezing, smiling and crawling.  Entertainment at its finest!   

Then there is my age group, the elders, 40 and above!  We like to bore people.  We share recipes…don’t deny it elders…I saw the 3,000 posts of the same Pumpkin-Spice Cheesecake recipe last week! 

 We also talk about our vacations to the exciting beaches of Florida in the winter-time.  And, yes, we like to post funny videos.  At our age, we need something to laugh at!   

We also wish our spouses “Happy Anniversary” on Facebook.  And, we get really sappy when we wish our children a “Happy Birthday.”  (You know they love it when we post naked pictures of them when they were infants!)  

And we love to brag and talk about our grown children; we post everything they do.  We want everyone out in Facebook world to know how proud we are of their accomplishments…and to understand it is because we were such amazing parents that it happened. 

All in all, Facebook is about reaching out to others and sharing.  No matter our motives.